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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Daylight Saving Time starts tomorrow. A reminder to turn your Myki forward at 2am. Or back at 2am. Better yet, shove your Myki up your arse at 2am. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Good morning Melbourne (and Sydney)! A shoutout to our friends up north who today are retiring the K sets with a final public farewell run. The last service will operate Central to Hornsby before terminating at Olympic Park. www.transport.nsw.gov.au/news-and-eve... #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Throwback Thursday! This c1980s Graeme Rayson pic shows a Hitachi at the former Galvin Station on the Werribee line. There have been calls for this closed station to reopen due to population growth in the area. We considered the idea and said "nah, fuck that". #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Good morning Melbourne! In line with new requirements from today we are not adding a payment surcharge to Myki top-ups performed via credit card. We weren't previously, but we're also not doing so from today. We hope this post has been useful. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Metro 5.30pm Update: All lines running well this afternoon with no disruptions or incidents. As you’re all enjoying a nice ride home tonight we hope you all stub your toes on a piece of furniture. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Now the match is over, we're running extra services from the MCG to help all of you interstate cunts fuck off back home. Thanks and bye. #MetroTrains #AFLGF2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Good: Football fans from two different states coming to experience our great city and all it has to offer. Better: Double the opportunity to fine out-of-state visitors who don't understand how Myki works. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

Good morning Melbourne! We're running additional services to get you to/from the Kylie Minogue concert at the MCG this afternoon. You might even want to stick around for some ball game that's happening too. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

An important message from Fake Metro Trains: Know the signs of a stroke. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Throwback Thursday! This Weston Langford pic shows Upfield Station as it appeared in 1959. At the time the surrounding area was a desolate wasteland. Today, it's much the same, just with more kebab shops. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Creating the most epic wedding photo in the history of forever. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Metro 5.30pm Update: All lines running well with no delays or cancellations. If someone on a train could have a massive heart attack or something right now and cause a delay we’d really appreciate it. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

Throwback Thursday! This c1980 GEHS pic shows the gatekeeper's hut near Glenhuntly. At a time where level crossing gates were manually operated, these huts provided not only shelter for gatekeepers, but also a place for a cheeky wank between trains. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Looks like Bruce Whalley has been milkshake ducked. Fuck you, Bruce. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 14/09/2026

Good morning Melbourne! Extensive delays and cancellations may be experienced across the network as we upgrade our fleet to trainOS 27. Your patience is appreciated. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

Good morning Melbourne! It’s a new week and you can all go fuck yourselves in the mouth. Thanks. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Throwback Thursday! This Sept 1984 pic (photog unkwn) shows an ex-Port Melbourne Hitachi set crossing Sandridge Bridge. Today, this line is serviced by trams. Which are stinky, extremely slow and generally great at sucking arse. Fuck trams. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

We’re pleased to announce the new Myki Duo - a compact Myki that folds out in two. Available in black or white and starting at $3,499, it does everything the current Myki does but screams “I bought this because I’m a massive wanker!” #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

Going serious here. This is a completely fucking bullshit cunt response from Metro Trains. Multiple safety protocols failed. Don't fucking lowkey victim-blame, deflect responsibility and say you'll "conduct a review". Jesus fucking Christ. #MetroTrains www.abc.net.au/news/2026-09...

abc.net.au

Guide dog dragged by train along Flinders Street Station platform

Metro Trains apologises after a train failed to stop as it started dragging a guide dog along the station platform when its leash became caught in a train door.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

Throwback Thursday! This Aug 1983 NSW Archives pic shows the launch of the inaugural Sydney-Canberra XPT service. Yep, we're going with this: someone got so excited they ejaculated over the front of the train. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

The Victorian Liberal Party have today stated they will build 25 hybrid trains to service western lines if elected in November. We can only assume they mean something like this. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

Good morning Melbourne! Due to industrial action buses will replace trains Dandenong-Cranbourne and Watergardens-Sunbury until further notice. We see this as bonus outdoor time! Fresh air, traffic views and a chance to really sit with your thoughts. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 27/08/2026

Throwback Thursday! This April 1976 Peter Vincent pic shows a Harris set departing Flinders Street. See how nice the area was before someone built a shitty concrete square over the top of it? #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

Metro 5.25pm Update: All lines running well this evening with no incidents or disruptions. We had "major delays due to a track fault in the Craigieburn area" in the office sweep. Looks like we lost that one. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

METRO 5.35PM UPDATE: ALL LINES ARE RUNNING WELL THIS EVENING WITH NO SIGNIFICANT DELAYS OR DISRUPTIONS. ALSO HOW FUCKING COOL IS CAPS LOCK AMIRITE? #METROTRAINS

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 20/08/2026

Throwback Thursday! This c1930 VR pic shows sheep being loaded on to rail wagons at Newmarket Saleyards. The yards closed years ago - which is a shame, because the sheep smelled nicer and behaved better than most passengers. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 17/08/2026

You prepare by simulating a heap of trespassers on the tracks? #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 16/08/2026

Rail Safety Week is wrapping up, however we remind you EVERY week is Rail Safety Week. Be aware of your surroundings and pay attention; don't trespass in rail corridors or treat them like playgrounds. In short: don't be a fuckwit around trains. Thanks. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 15/08/2026

If these geese can understand the concept of using a level crossing properly, safely and legally... so can you. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 15/08/2026

Been involved in a traumatic incident on the railways? FREE support services are available from Amber Community. This is offered to staff members, responders, witnesses and family members. More information is available at ambercommunity.org.au #MetroTrains #RSW2026

ambercommunity.org.au

Amber Community | Road incident support and education

Amber Community is a not-for-profit organisation providing free professional counselling, road incident support and road safety education.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 13/08/2026

The horrific nature of the Kerang collision is detailed in the official investigation report, linked below. This is why we say "don't be a fuckwit around trains or level crossings". #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday #RSW2026 www.vic.gov.au/sites/defaul...

vic.gov.au

https://www.vic.gov.au/sites/default/files/2023-10/2007-06-05-Level-Crossing-Collision-VLine-Passenger-Train-8042-and-a-Truck-near-Kerang-Copy.pdf

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 13/08/2026

These pics show the aftermath of a LX collision between a truck and a V/Line service at Kerang in June 2007. 11 people died. Despite his negligence, truck driver Christiaan Scholl was acquitted of all charges relating to the event. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

Joshua, a driver with ARG, had a collision with a truck at a level crossing. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

SAFETY BEGINS WITH YOU (by not being a fuckwit around trains or level crossings) #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 11/08/2026

Geoffrey, a Pacific National driver. Need help? Lifeline 13 11 14 Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 11/08/2026

Don't trespass on rail lines. Lewis, a driver in Adelaide, has a story about this. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 10/08/2026

Daryl, a driver with Queensland Rail, explains why you don't fuck around at level crossings. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 09/08/2026

Leonard, a train driver in Sydney, shares his story. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 09/08/2026

August 10–16 is Rail Safety Week. We're taking the week to share important messages & information to raise awareness of rail safety, including a few things that are hopefully obvious but apparently still need saying. We'll be back to normal next week. #MetroTrains #RSW2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 06/08/2026

This c1970s pic (phtg unkwn) shows T323 hauling Hitachi shells to Somerton for final fitout. "Hitachi" would later become known for powerful vibrations and customer satisfaction. Any resemblance to other Hitachi products is purely coincidental. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

Other ideas we're considering: * "Not being bashed by ticket thugs" fee * "Air conditioned carriage" fee * "Use of elevator/escalator to or from platform" fee * "Priority access to a replacement bus" fee * "Being charged a fee" fee * "Timetable look up" fee #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

Good morning Melbourne! Following Jetstar's announcement to charge for overhead carry-on baggage, we've decided to follow suit. From next Monday service delay/change notifications via our smartphone app will only be available to Premium subscribers at $29/month. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 04/08/2026

Metro 5.35pm Update: The Hurstbridge, Mernda and Sunbury lines are suspended due to infrastructure faults. Buses are replacing trains on these lines and passengers will experience lengthy increases to travel times. LOL suck shit. #MetroTrains

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