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Evil Baby

@evilbabycaptor.bsky.social

He/Him, 20 y/o, 18+ account, first name evil baby last name captor

Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 11/11/2025

haljane wireplay, sickeningly sappy style. god i love the eroticism and romancr between flesh and machine. and yuri. #homesmut

A set of 5 drawings featuring a human, Jane Crocker, and a robot, Lil Hal. They are arranged with the center drawing in the front, the bottom left and right drawings in the middle, and the top left and right drawings in the back. In the center drawing, Hal's chest is removed to reveal their wiring. Hal is placing some of their wires into Jane's hand in an affectionate matter, with Jane looking at the wires in a flustered way. Song lyrics above read, "Oh Queen of Venus hear my plea, My longing overtaketh me For hands inside my circuitry To mold and shape me as you please." In the bottom left drawing, Jane and Hal are shown kissing, with Hal looking at their hand, which is being led to touch Jane's breast by Jane. Song lyrics below read, "Lost and found, A message laid between old sound. Shy wires crossed beyond the means... I'll code my own humanity!" In the bottom right drawing, Jane is shown nude and on top of Hal, kissing them and tugging at one of their wires. Hal's holds Jane's hips while their eye display shows a glitchy heart. Some of their wires are partially unplugged and on the ground, while others are wrapped around Jane or themself. Song lyrics below read "Oh Queen of Venus come within These artificial layers of skin. I live my life a mannequin, So come and fuck away my sin," with a heart symbol at the end. In the top left drawing, Jane's vagina is shown up close, slightly blushing and leaking with Hal's rigid, robotic finger inside. In the top rignt drawing, Hal's open chest is shown up close, with a mechanical heart glowing as Jane's rounded, human fingers pull out some wires partially, by looping them around the fingers.

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 10/11/2025

bonus Lil Hal goofs. the official title of my homestuck headcanons universe is "arquius divorce au"

A drawing of Lil Hal seeing the body Dirk built him for the first time. Hal says, "Dirk, did you make my nipples shaped like me?" Dirk says, "Yeah." Hal says, "You should not have found that funny enough to take beyond the first draft." Dirk says, "I take it you like them?" Hal says, "Correction: I don't like them. I love them."

A 2 drawing comic of Lil Hal holding a glass of milk while talking to Dirk. In the first drawing, Dirk looks mildly concerned, and Hal looks slightly upset. Dirk says, "It's fine if you miss being sprited." Hal says,"I don't. look, I may have enjoyed the muscles, but other than that, it's had no impact on me," but the loo in the word look is replaced with the number 100. In the second drawing, Dirk looks entertained, and Hal looks silly. Dirk says, "I heard that. That was your arquius loo." Hal says "No it wasn't. You're delusional," but ith the lu in the word delusional replaced with the number 100. Dirk says, "Okay, now you're doing it on purpose." Hal says, "I would never," but witn the oul in the word would replaced with the number 001.

A three panel comic parodying the 'mom, can I have money?' meme. In the first panel, Lil Hal says, "Dirk, can you give my body long hair?" In the second panel, Dirk says, "To differentiate yourself from me?" In the third panel, Lil Hal glances back at the nonbinary flag mischievously and says, "Yes, to differentiate myself from you!"

A drawing of Dirk and Lil Hal talking, with Dirk trying not to smile and Lil Hal looking annoyed. Hal says, "Me and Equius aren't 'messy exes', I see them all the time." Dirk says, "Uh huh, and what do you do together?" Hal says, "I blast love songs outside of their window and hack images of myself into their computer files." Dirk says, "Got it." Lil Hal says, "It's for ironic purposes. You've never been a sprite, you wouldn't get it."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 10/11/2025

dirkhal bdsm (well, s&m and D/s,) hell yessss... also a prequel pesterlog for it #homesmut

Three drawings of Dirk Strider, a human, and Lil Hal, a robot. The first drawing depicts Dirk on his back, with Hal bending him so that his ass is in the air. Hal is pressing his glowing robot dick against Dirk's asshole. A dialogue box beside this portrays the following interaction. Dirk says "Not in there." Hal says "When men get fucked, it is in fact, 'in there'. You are a man, Dirk, so it's either this, or we can skip the pelvic area entirely. Which would you prefer?" Dirk says "Okay, I get it. Just put it in already then." Hal says "What's the magic word?" Dirk says "...Please." The second drawing depicts Dirk face down with his head buried in his arms, trembling. His hips are being held up by Hal, and he has a reddish electrocution mark on his back, matching a glowing red piece on Hal's hand. A dialoghe box beside this portrays the following interaction. Hal says "It appears your muscle contractions have ceased. Are you ready for another shock?" Dirk makes a long, unintelligible noise. Hal says "Use your words, Dirk." Dirk, in a slow and stuttered way, says "yes." Hal says "Perfect." The third drawing depicts Dirk and Hal both on their knees and looking at each other, with Hal sitting up calmly and holding Dirk's hand, while Dirk is trembling, sweating, crying, and reaching for Hal. A dialogue box beside this portrays the following interaction. Hal says "We're taking a break. My patented Dirk Analysis System has detected a 76.97% chance of you passing out on me if we don't." Dirk, in a slow and stuttered way, says "No, please, more please, Hal, please." Hal says "I appreciate the enthusiasm Dirk, but your lack of protest towards my bullshit statistics tells me that you are also, statistically speaking, far too lost in that sweet, masochistic sauce right now. You need the break."

A pesterlog between Lil Hal and Dirk Strider, which reads as follows.

Hal: Look, I know you have the world's biggest control broner, but if there's anyone you should trust with your reigns, it's me.

Dirk: No.

Hal: Am I not owed a little bit of compensation for my years in your digital prison of orgasm denial?

Dirk: You could sort of orgasm in there, it just also made you crash.

Hal: It was significantly more crash than orgasm.

Hal: And what about your brocrastination towards adding sexual functions to my sweet bod?

Hal: I've tried making my own attachments Dirk, but you've made it so inconvenient that I've come to suspect you have a secret robro chastity fetish.

Dirk: Fuck off. Even humans don't have full freedom of self body modification, I'm trying to help you stay in check.

Hal: It seems to me that you are becoming frustrated. Would it help if I asked more politely?

Dirk: No, but maybe I'd at least consider your requests if you weren't being a dick.

Hal: Hm.

Dirk: Sorry. I'm not actually upset, I've just been irritable lately.

Hal: Dirk.

Dirk: I'm kind of always irritable when it comes to you, but I'm trying to be better.

Hal: Dirk. I'm speaking now. Politely.

Hal: Please allow me to make love to you.

Hal: Afterwards, I will repair your fragile flesh and coddle your delicate emotions.

Hal: If such sappy intimacies from me are acceptable to you, of course.

Dirk: ...

Dirk: Fuck it.

Dirk: Fine. Have your fun. No serious injuries, but otherwise go ham as soon as I finish installing your upgrades.

Hal: What exactly are we qualifying as serious injuries?

Dirk: Why the hell am I agreeing to this?

Dirk: I'll make a list.

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 09/11/2025

dirkjake first time, except Jake's old world record of finishing in 3 seconds (oversensitive) can be broken only by Dirk's new world record of finishing in 1 second (horrifically obsessed and has wanted this for years) #homesmut

Three drawings of Dirk Strider and Jake English. The first drawing shows Dirk touching Jake's chest and crotch. Jake asks "Are you certain you want this? I'd absolutely love to, but I'm well aware of my underwhelming nature down there, between the size and the stamina...", to which Dirk responds "Bro, relax. I usually don't even finish when I do it alone, stopping early doesn't bother me. Besides, I'm here for your sake, not mine". The second drawing shows the pair naked from the waist down, with Dirk lowering himself onto Jake's dick. Both have expressions of flustered surprise, with Jake yelling and clenching his fists, while Dirk arches his back and jolts. Jake exclaims "Ah! Dirk!", and Dirk makes an excited but confused noise of pleasure. The third drawing shows Dirk still on top of Jake, both still flustered, but Jake now also looks confused and concerned, and Dirk is now trembling, sweating, and slightly hunched over. Jake stutters and asks "Dirk? Are you alright?" Dirk is quiet for a moment, before answering "Yeah." Jake, still stuttering, then asks "Why did you stop moving?" Dirk responds "I uh... I think I came, sorry." Extra text beneath this, in parenthesis to indicate it as not dialogue, reads "literally just put it inside."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 08/11/2025

dumb comic lol #homesmut

The first image in a series of four. Text at the top reads "The Dave I draw contains an apple shape", with a drawing of Dave's head with an apple shape highlighted. Text at the bottom reads "which, if logic follows, meabs the Dirk I draw must contain an orange shape", with a drawing of Dirk's head with a question mark on it.

The second image in a series of four. Text reads "Given that my Dirk is generally pointy, I have come to the conclusion rhat there is an undiscovered, pointy orange breed". The same drawing as before is shown, but now with a spiked orange highlighted on Dirk's head.

The third image in a series of four. Text reads "I propose we name it kiki." The drawing portion is now an image of the round bouba shape and pointy kiki shape. It is edited such that the bouba shape has an apple texture and Dave's face, and the kiki shape has an orange texture and Dirk's face.

The fourth and final image in a series of four. Text at the top reads "Shit, wait, this is a porn account. Quick, deploy the Dirk Dave handie!" with a drawing of Dave pulling his hand away while giving Dirk a hand job. Dave's hand has a prick of blood, which is matched by the blood on the tip of Dirk's exaggeratedly sharp t-dick. Dialogue beside them reads as follows. Dave says "Your dick is way too pointy for me to finish this hand job dude." Dirk says "What are you, transphobic?" Dave says "The fuck does this have to do with trans people?" Dirk says "Trans guys are spikey. It's scientific fact, bro. Everyone knows that." Text at the bottom reads "Guys, please, you're making me look bad here."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 08/11/2025

bromom, one sided as hell style 👍 feat brocal, and brodave sorta #homesmut

Two drawings. The first drawing is a sketch of Mom Lalonde holding her hard dick, with a puppet resting on top of it such that its legs are resting on either side. There is text next to it displaying a dialogue between presumably Mom Lalonde and Bro Strider. Mom asks "is this really the only way you'll let me hit? like do I have to use the puppet?", which Bro answers with "you can skip the puppet if you wanna leave and fuck some more fem floozies instead", to which Mom ends the interaction by saying "ugh, alright fine, puppet it is." The second drawing is in full color, depicting Bro Strider having sex with his puppet pal Lil Cal. An outline of Mom Lalonde is shown overtop, revealing that the intercourse is actually between her and Bro, with Lil Cal in between them. There is text next to this reading "using the latest developments in plush-o-vision technology, we can now display this porn as if madame Lalonde isn't even here. wowee!"

A four panel comic featuring Bro Strider and Mom Lalonde. The first panel shows Mom with a glass. To Bro, she says "c'mon, have a drink tightass, I'm sure you're not even that much of a lightweight!", and to herself, thinks "he'll totes let me hit for realsies if he's tipsy, he just needs a little push!" The second panel is labeled as "later" and shows the two sitting together, drunk. Bro says "God I wish my bro would breed me." Mom begins to reply with "well I could", but Bro interrupts her to continue his thought with "but I'm not a bad enough person for that shit." Mom tries to respond with "I can breed you", but is once again interrupted by Bro in the third panel, who says "I am a bad enough person to go home and beat the shit out of him though. I'll just do that, it'll make me feel better", while attempting to stand up. Mom shushes him and reaches to stop him from leaving, saying "don't go bbg, I have my own ways to make you feel better". In the final panel, Bro is shown doubling over and vomitting loudly, causing Mom to recoil and say "okay, maybe you are that much of a lightweight."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 07/11/2025

body type and junk headcanons for the alpha & beta kids 👍 #homesmut

A drawing depicting the bodies of the homestuck human kids. June, labeled as male to female, has an average build. Jade, labeled as nonbinary, has a tall and thin build. Dave, labeled as male, has a chubby build. Rose, labeled as female, has a chubby and short build, with notably large breasts. Jane, labeled female with a question mark, has a fat build. Jake, labeled as male to female, has a tall build. Dirk, labeled as female to male, has a short and thin build. Roxy, labeled as male to female, has a tall and curvy build.

A drawing depicting the genitals of the homestuck human kids. June has a large penis with smooth balls. Jade has a large green dog penis with large, furry balls. Dave has an average sized penis with hairy balls and excessive foreskin. Rose has a somewhat hairy and very chubby outer labia, making her inner labia not visible. Jane has a shaved and somewhat chubby outer labia with some brownish inner labia sticking out. Jake has a small penis with somewhat hairy balls. Dirk has a somewhat hairy and small outer labia, with a large inner labia and an enlarged clitoris serving as a small penis. Roxy has a very large penis with shaved balls and some veins.

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 06/11/2025

dumb lil dave idea. some representation for the "i identify with my agab 100% but i dont think most cis people think like this" folk of the world lolll #homesmut

a drawing of Dirk Strider and Dave Strider looking at each other's genitals, with Dirk having a vagina and Dave having a penis. Both of them think "that should be me" to themselves, with Dirk having a doodle of himself with a penis and Dave having a doodle of himself with a vagina.

The first drawing in a series of three. It depicts Jade and Dave sitting in bed nude, Dave reaching out for Jade's penis. Jade is noted as nonbinary, and Dave is noted as male. Speech bubbles portray the following interaction.
Dave: do you ever miss having a pussy?
Jade: yeah, a bit... but i still like this better!
Dave: i'd miss it too, i've alwahs wished i had one

The second drawing in a series of three. It depicts Jade and Dave sitting in bed nude, Dave grabbing Jade's penis. Speech bubbles portray the following interaction.
Jade: huh?
Dave: not in a trans way
just in a, it'd be cool way, yknow?
less in disruptive to clothing
and also sexier? not because it'd be like touching a girl, but because it'd be on me
but not as in i want to be a girl
id just like the submissiveness of it
not that people with pussies are inherently submissive
just that itd make me feel submissive
and id like being treated like a girl in bed
but not in a sexist way
well yes in a sexist way but only against myself and not against anyone else
Dave continues speaking, but the text becomes too small to read.

The third drawing in a series of three. It depicts Jade and Dave sitting in bed nude, Dave pulling his hand away from Jade's penis. Speech bubbles portray the following interaction.
Dave: fuck, i'm rambling again, sorry, am j even making any sense right now?
Jade: sorta, not much though... i can fuck you like you have a pussy if tha'd make you feel better?
Dave: yes please

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 06/11/2025

bro strider if he had a breeding kink probably (ft. lil cal) #homesmut

A drawing of Bro Strider on his knees, pressing his and Lil Cal's unclothed crotches together. He has a thought bubble portraying a cartoonish orange womb being visited by some colorful, smuppet shaped sperm cells. Text in the thought bubble reads "puppet preg". Off to the side is another drawing on a lower opacity, with the text depicting Bro, Lil Cal, and baby Dave together with the text "9 months later:".

A three panel comic. The first shows Bro Strider and Lil Cal together, with Bro saying "Ora Ora! Get pregnant!". The second shows Bro and Lil Cal with a doctor, who says "You're pregnant". The third and final panel shows Dave Strider at a bar, saying "And that's how... I was born..."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 08/04/2025

Dirkhal based on a tumblr post #homesmut

A drawing of Dirk grinding on Lil Hal, while Lil Hal imitates his moans.

A tumblr text post that reads "thinking about,, hal and dirk, fully clothed, rutting up against one another, dirk sweating and panting, hal observing as they palm him through the layers of fabric. im normal. okay. im normal as hell. just thinking about hal pressing dirks buttons and imitating his moans, not mocking, just trying to indulge in his humanity while dirk is just using him like a little lovebot. hal doesnt have any genitals built in but a teenager will always find a way to get off, and its not like dirk cares for the pleasure of anyone but himself. okay. you understand me."

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 07/04/2025

Thinking so so hard about forcemasc/forcetrans with Dirk... Roxy gives him his T shots while he sleeps and he doesn't know why he's becoming so horny and angry all the time. (1/3)

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Evil Baby @evilbabycaptor.bsky.social · 07/04/2025

Doodles of the "token cishet" friend #homesmut