Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 08/10/2026update: I have decided that carrots are now a luxury item 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 03/08/2026I'd like to announce that I'm stepping forward to wherever Ariana Grande is stepping back from. Thank you for your publicity at this time. 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 12/07/2026I keep seeing things that say Lindsey Graham died. Did he die each time or just the once? 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 05/05/2026I used to want a special edition of RoboCop where they fix the arms of stop motion Dick Jones, but now I want the version where they give the live action guy those long arms 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 04/03/2026Who should we believe? People who say Iran has more than enough missiles because they've spent decades preparing for an existential fight for survival at home. Or people who say it'll be easy, actually it was easy because it's already over, but needs to continue indefinitely and also never happened. 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 28/02/2026My wildest prediction is: they start calling Trump Messiah. Since Jesus certainly wasn't according to the book's requirements, and clearly they don't give a shit about Jesus anyway, they'll invent ways that Trump fulfilled prophecy. Feels like an inevitable Trump milestone like putting him on money. 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 25/02/2026if Asha Sharma doesn't bring back Project Milo then Xbox is truly dead 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 15/02/2026"The Comedy World is a Mess" aka the ten right wing guys that billionaires make unavoidable helped Epstein's friends, and left wing funny people shall not be mentioned 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 14/02/2026I'll forever be skeptical of scromiting after I went to the ER one time for food poisoning a few years ago and once I said I smoke weed they asserted it was scromiting and considered it case closed. I kept smoking weed without any issues, but quit eating Subway. Problem solved. 131
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 10/02/2026We need a total and complete shutdown of capitalists entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on. 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 10/02/2026I went to the DOJ website to look at the Epstein files but when it asked if I was 18 I accidentally clicked no and now I'm in a zoom call with President Trump? 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 25/01/2026as a Minnesota voter I'm willing to tell Pam Bondi who I voted for, my rate is 1 election for 1 Epstein file 001
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 24/01/2026bold to invade Minnesota in the middle of winter when we've lost the will to live 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 25/12/2025"What does 'iykyk' mean?" - my mom with the ultimate momism 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 16/12/2025I'm glad we got the vibe coding trend so everyone could find out that 10% of programming is programming 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 05/12/2025Don't revert back to calling Hegseth Secretary of Defense. Start calling him the Secretary of War Crimes 020
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 05/12/2025they're destroying the economy to make word calculators and the best possible outcome according to them is that it will destroy the economy even more 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 04/12/2025You gotta feel for Trump. The last Republican president got to do unlimited war crimes and he can't even do one? 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 03/12/2025I know journalism is dead because no one asks Zohran Mamdani about pro wrestling 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 26/11/2025I was making tea and water boiled out of the kettle, putting out the fire and filling my kitchen with gas. Who needs caffeine when you maun djsnk sngsfffffffff 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 26/11/2025One time when I was in HR because my workplace was terrible, I asked the HR person for information that would prove the workplace was terrible and she said she'd get the info and tell me next week. Then she quit a day later because the workplace was terrible. 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 25/11/2025some of those that set prices are the same that make crisis 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 24/11/2025love to watch cooking videos then reheat leftovers from one of the five things I cook 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 23/11/2025ragebait is so boring... try some new emotions like ardorbait or ennuibait 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 18/11/2025Trump's our first TV president. Every 8 mins there's a cliffhanger like it's all falling apart, then you get sold some stuff, and hey turns out it's not all falling apart, it's actually fine. Then at the end of every 'episode' it seems like things are going to be different, but it just starts again. 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 11/11/2025I need to go buy bread. I have a real craving after smelling burnt toast for the last thwo hursdd 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 04/11/2025I got one of those multiplicity clones but he mostly just works to afford his own apartment and life now. We lost touch actually. He's just out there somewhere not doing my laundry. 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 22/10/2025*Kid Rock voice* My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. King Ralph 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 20/10/2025Wow, right after the diarrhea jet. What was Trump eating? 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 19/10/2025huge sacrifice to give up his poop supper. He'll be starving tonight! 020
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 15/10/2025The Cheryl Hines stuff is so unsettling. I'll never be able to watch RV the same again 011
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 12/10/2025Reagan was affected by so many TV movies. Too bad Trump only has the attention span to watch a mirror 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 04/08/2025future's so bright, I gotta wear rose tinted glasses 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 26/07/2025Trump saying Clinton went to island 28 times sounds like an accusation, but he's just making fun of him for having to go somewhere. His best friend Epstein brought the island to him. 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 26/07/2025kids these days don't know what it's like to watch three teams of four compete to make an airplane from scratch using period junk on today's Junkyard Wars 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 19/05/2025health class: doing meth makes you think there's bugs crawling on you science class: there's bugs crawling on you 000
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 16/05/2025Andor: He's heard of the rebellion. Luthen: Then he needs to die. -one movie later- Luke: What's your name? C3PO: We're rebels. Luke: Wow! C3PO: We worked for Captain Antilles. Luke: Crazy. C3PO: We're on a secret mission to deliver secret plans to a secretive man. 020
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 01/05/2025I got a new Series X Diablo bundle for $350 a few months ago. Turns out I'm not a videogame addict, I'm a savvy investor. Thank you President Trump for destroying the economy so my videogame collection is worth more by comparison. 010
Derek Henkels @derekhenkels.bsky.social · 29/04/2025AI is cheaper so companies are going all in. Good thing tech bros don't have a history of disrupting things until they collapse then raising prices above where they were before and good thing those robots that now run your company can't be copied in an instant to run a competitor owned by a tech bro 000
