iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

“I like fruity pebbles…. I’m chasing a rainbo high…. And she keeps running. I only want you for you—" I smiled. This was proof. Proof he did know me. Mr. Goon motioned. I nodded. I stashed the phone in my bag as I made my way to the car.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Tassa phone Multiple voicemails. Dealers. Delete. Runners. Delete. Debts owed. Delete. Him. My finger hovered… delete or play. Delete or play? I listened.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

The one I had thought I lost. Broke. Smashed. It was a beacon in the darkness. Too many missed calls. Only one number mattered. Him. I looked up and saw him… seeing me. Our eyes met but he kept moving. Inside. Away from me.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I stayed even after Patricia left asking me to come see her tomorrow. I didn't want to. Mr. Goon sat beside me at half past 8, my red iPhone of before in his hand. "Preston said it was time…" I looked at the phone. It was Tassa's phone.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I just kept toeing the sad remnants of my lunch and my eyes never moved from the curb. I couldn't see him not see me. I couldn't watch him in his life that didn't have me in it. I didn't move. I would spend my whole day here as I had in the past. Lost. Dissociating.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

"You didn't even ask him…" I angrily spat at the way she accused me of delusional thoughts. "I didn't have to," she motioned to the door he was exiting and he was lost in whatever he was doing.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

He had never been gone this long. Mr. Goon kept saying all was good. Nothing was. My eyes drifted from the sandwich to the shop. "Tasha, we talked about this … if he was aware of you he would have made it known."

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Delusional. If I could prove he knew me. If I could prove that we had something. I could have kept him. So here I sat. Sandwich on the dirty ground from where I let it fall as Patricia sat down. Preston was still on a run, I was growing worried.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

The park bench bit into my legs today. It felt like torture. Patricia had found me. Mr. Goon had found me. Walls were closing in, trapped and I felt alone. Will he see me today? I stopped leaving gifts. It was not part of my detox. obsessive disorder.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I was working at my brothers ‘front business’ as the secretary. I usually could get an hour's lunch on this bench every day. I could easily use eating lunch here as an excuse to be here.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I’d watch the patrons come and go with new art etched into their flesh. I smiled and laughed at the ones who tapped out with less than a line put down. My phone vibrates from Mr. Goon who asked why my location was off and why I left the office.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

At lunch time I sat on the bench. Triangle wedge sandwich. More meat than bread and cheese with no crusts. I slowly took the smallest of bites to savor this moment. I usually could watch his entrance or the others of the shop.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Now it was all over Mr. Goon. I hadn’t learned his name. Tossing a towel with a sorry. He scared me but I was always apologizing for things out of my control. I walked away. To change to just not be around anyone. He was watching me. My brother's request.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Pacing the apartment was my go-to when I couldn’t sleep without reminders. Neon lights blinking reminding me of the past. “Your brother extended his trip…” came the gruff voice that had my heart jump. I dropped the plastic jug of milk I was going to suck down.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I begged, Fin and Luka were bickering and the phone was pressed to Luka's ear now. Keep me in the dark. Let the sun burn me. The touch cleanses me. Red. Red. My dreams had been red hair in inked hands. I hated myself for caring. I couldn’t keep up with my mad mind.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

My brother had an air about him. Danger. Knifes edge. Cut so deep you will die! Fin took the sparkly pink from Skeletor and his hand was back on me. It burned my skin alive and gave me hope that I'd be gone soon. More please.

100

Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I know it's over. I miss him even if it's over…I'm falling, tumbling, I've hit the bottom. "Hello…hellow…. This is Tausha's phone. No, she is otherwise indisposed to phone calls…" It wasn't my brother because he wouldn't be so calmly speaking to him.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I'd forgotten I had an appointment with Patricia. I was forgotten. Red tresses touched his hands. Smudged lips glossed up for him and leaned into his ear… I witnessed the moment. It passed between them. It spoke all I needed. I wasn't wanted. I miss you…

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

My phone lit up so many times as we drove along the ocean's edge. We were flying through the valley of deaths. Dark was light. The light was burning my soul. Cleansing my sins. I had forgotten my brother was waiting for me for dinner after the event.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Well, he was perched in the middle of the seat trying to sway me to his side. His breath smelled of nutter butters. Did he eat them all? Good morning… fingers had streamers as I waved them in front of my eyes.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Hello monster… Hello me… do you miss me? Good morning moon… "That's the sun Taaaausha!" The way he elongated my name and caressed my chin with his forefinger felt wrong. I turned away. Luka was driving, Finn was riding shotgun and… Skeletor, Mr. No name as I'd forgotten.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

His laugh was like a hot cup of coffee and I felt awake for the first time in a long while. "I'm so tired…" I added, as I walked away.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

We are the same. I was hiding and he was too. "I had wished you'd find me…" I whispered to the new journal I slipped into his bag as he spoke in low tones from person to person.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

of the time I could have given up already. I know this world is done with me. Once done with the client in his chair he seemed reluctant to stand. To take the praise. His hood was back in place like a shroud to keep his own heart safe. I smiled.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

For a moment… I felt the stillness of real. A moment… I am fighting… But, this world is done with me… Even my beliefs can make it real. He will leave with one or many of them and I'll be left to pick my heart up. I am tired of tears…

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

That he was giving into them for my anger later that I'd lay into him. Mark up as mine. I would show my claim to him. I spied my journal peeking out of his bag, it gave me hope for a moment. That my fake belief was real. That my daydreams were real.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I was unbothered by the hands, giggles, and laughs they got in return. He seemed to be looking for someone. I wished it had been me… I hoped I made up a make-believe that we were pretending to not know one another.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

The gallery was made up of many people, artists, and ladies waiting for their chance. He was engrossed in his subject and a bit in the girls fawning over him. I tried to keep my cool. The pill I had taken helped to keep the simmering heat to a bubble.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Can I stay? I whispered between bodies as they came close to watch his skill come alive. He had a voice that melted inside of me. It fell over me in the warmth of a hug that engulfed me. That called me home.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

The world tilted on its axis when I was close… to him. I smiled trying not to be predatory of this moment. I wanted us to be something. I had hoped. I wanted to make it all work. Would he finally see me?

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

My eyes wouldn't open fully. I wanted to be enough… for him. I wanted to stay for him. I was so tired. This was our last chance… I was done fighting to make life work. I had a one-way ticket to the rabbit hole and I had no return. Take me.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

A performance of tattooist glory… there were others. None mattered but him. His art would be on display, and his magic. I was in awe. The groupies were out in droves. I tried not to pop a few before. My hands shook.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I fell, stumbled, and careened down a hill of sorrow for the girl who wanted to end it all. Me. I was a mess. Twirling madness. Sinking ship. I was tired of trying. Tired of it all. I was giving it one last shot.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I hope he thinks about me. Colorful and happy. I was anything but… happy. Curve balls. I felt so alone in the world. I created a relationship with someone who had not even known me.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

My hand reached out to grab him as if he had been there. Sitting beside me all along. Time was floating away. The lights above flickered on as I looked up from my pad. Day was gone and he hadn't manifested just my own delusional bask of nothingness.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Schneider brothers would take a trip to New York with me. Run with me. I was dying inside. The fight was gone. "Would you miss me when I'm gone?" I asked the page as I smudged the line talking to the page as if it were him here beside me now.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Sketching in a new journal. Swirls and shading. Fingers smeared with inks and charcoal. I was losing time. Drifting away. Hair dulled and muted pastels from going so long between coloring. I felt my hair. I felt the ground swallowing me.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

"That's a step…" Patricia had started but the rest of what she had said blurred into monotoned nothingness. I was drifting. Falling. I would be lost once again. I found myself outside of the shop. On the bench across the street. My knees to my chest.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” But at this point… probably not. I gave too much. I couldn't do better. I wouldn’t break my habit of falling. I would do it again… and soon.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Overwhelmingly excited it choked in my throat as I tried to gain perspective quickly. I took a deep breath. Fuck it. Give it my all. “Hi, this is Natasha Preston, Tassa, I really miss you. I hope you loved your gifts! I fell down the rabbit hole…

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

It went straight to voicemail as if his phone was dead or off… my voice shook and hiccuped as I sucked the drool from falling out when his voice said his name. “Hi… Hi,” my tears stopped and I was so excited.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

I’d give him just one call. One word. My thumb slapped the green and I put it on a speaker as Patricia would want. I raised my eyes to hers and she looked concerned. I was sobbing in the chair, almost inconsolable. I was fucked.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

My breaths came out quickly and erratically as tears fell slow rivers down my face. What if he didn’t want me after this? What if I changed our whole… dynamic and he pressed charges. The ‘what ifs’ killed my insides with a ragged knife dragging my intestines out for all to see.

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Natasha ‘Tasha’ Preston @decayedtasha.bsky.social · 21/11/2024

Was it too crazy to tell him right off the bat? Would he find it endearing and cute? Or crazy and fucking nutter buttered. My thumb hovered over the green phone. Waiting. What was I waiting for?

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