A.K.A. Ned Caratacus
@daveyoufool.bsky.social
103 followers 45 following 678 posts
Daveyoufool. 38/He/him. Scp author. Mentally ill silly duck wizard from Hell. Author of the Neverstone Saga, which you’ll find here: www.amazon.com/dp/B0924Q5TWF?bindin…
![Vector art of a little cartoon pixel-fairy dude who's in a cyan military uniform from the waist up. Light orange skin, dark orange shoulder-length hair, dark orange pencil mustache. His left hand is behind his back. His right hand is a navy saber. Caption: "[BLACKBOX].AIC, AT YOUR SERVICE."](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:345mnxdvrkeyw43gvu6tyqwc/bafkreif3cxh5ludwyyjgfgobe5g2derkv43ngx6zw3qznzrsa2rm2gesou)
![Uhl: [Sigh.] … Fine. Whatever. Where's Putin?
[Kapur places the second briefcase on the table. He opens it. Pale tentacles with human skin extend from inside. Something within grumbles in misery.]
Fogel: Christ, it smells like mayonnaise…
Kapur: He's been repurposed into what looks to be a piano squid. I'm pretty good at playing him, too — check it out!
[He presses buttons on the side of the entity in the briefcase. The entity intonates the first few notes of the national anthem of Ukraine, realizes what it's singing, then starts hissing and slapping Kapur with its tentacles. Kapur slaps back.]
Hey! Bad Pootie! Bad!](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:345mnxdvrkeyw43gvu6tyqwc/bafkreigajbpbnsqzashofgxigxpx2lk7xyzdkot43rs575jrgtlcfuk3bu)
![The foreman sighed. "Look, I'm working the night shift at Cheeseburg, and I have PhD in biology. Even my name tag has 'Dr.' on it, and people ask why I'm even here behind a deep fryer, and not in a laboratory some-where. Each time, I laugh and say 'me too' or 'that's student loan debt for ya' so that I don't break down in tears, which would violate food safety regs. Half of us are single parents. Timmy Boy invested his life savings in a deli meats company the day before someone contracted Phiscaean turbo-leprosy from the imitation bologna.
Point being, Chazz: we live in Celsior Central, so that gun of yours can't do anything to us that hasn't already happened inside. Our only hope is that we can be put to work to help someone else out of the same misery that addictions, human cruelty, and corporate greed have brought upon us—like the defendant here — so that just maybe, our lives aren't completely wasted in this world."
[Centurion Chazz is too bummed out to kill anyone.]
"THE DEFENDANT WILL STOP CLAPPING!" said the Seraph.
"Sorry," said Noah.
Chazz pocketed his gun, hanging his head. "Damn, that'sI'm sorry. All this time, I've blamed the problems in my life on elves and women, but I'm starting to think that maybe everyone's knee deep in the same misery as everyone else. If we don't realize this, and work together to build a brighter future for our—"
[Chopiel - Toss Judge's Bench]
Wham!
The truck landed midspeech, and Chazz became a smear of red entrails on the pavement.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:345mnxdvrkeyw43gvu6tyqwc/bafkreigf2qmh4bpzda75wvutjcsohmdlmrj7jxhqst76l4bxug5sxtp4ia)
![Book screenshot:
"What, bees?" said Mischa, chuckling. "You call yourself a voggin' paladin, and you're scared of—
"Daggerflies, you oaf!"
"DAGGERFLIES?!"
[Mischa - Repent Sins]
Mischa fell to his knees, trembling and weep-ing. "Lord Galgalim of the wheel, I am sorry for every horrible thing I have ever done, I'm never gonna drink another beer so long as I live, I'm never gonna pop a boner when I pass an old folks' home ever again, I'm sorry I stole from the collection plate when I was 7, 12, and 38, I'm sorry I put some of my grandma's ashes on the spaghetti when I was out of parmesan—"
"Hey! Never apologize for good seasoning," said Branwen.
Ofelia dropped the shield. The daggerflies became the last thing on her mind. "Hang on, your grandmother's WHAT?"
Branwen tilted her head. "Aw, give it a shot sometime, ya prude," she said. "It's smoky!" She grinned, letting Ofelia glimpse a few surviving daggerflies crawling over her scarred gums.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:345mnxdvrkeyw43gvu6tyqwc/bafkreiaapssgu44jghljizz6bn3t2gg26kekna6yfhgattdkilbuylnpni)
