iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

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Nighto @headofnights.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Daily Draw - 78 Sierra for @curran12.bsky.social #ArtsOfNighto💀

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Haysey_Draws Spooky Teachers @haysey-draws.art · 24/09/2026

FRIENDS (COMIC) Remember as silly as i make Ann in these, she is always there for her friends (also Kawakami and Tae!)

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Vap @vaporotem.bsky.social · 02/07/2026

Commission gift from @curran12.bsky.social to their friend's birthday! Trainers need some vacation time with their party too, gotta catch some sun ~▼ω▼ Thank you very much~!💛 #commission #pokemon

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 03/06/2026

Important couple conversations! Thanks a ton! Can't wait to do the next bit of silliness

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 03/06/2026

Magnificent as always, Vap! Thank you so much!

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Nighto @headofnights.bsky.social · 22/04/2026

Sugar Riot & Gimme Cat Commission for @curran12.bsky.social! #ffxiv #ArtsOfNighto💀

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T-Kay @ttothekay.bsky.social · 20/04/2026

Sketch 25 - BS Slogans I think maybe Kacey needs to admit slogans aren't her thing. Also decided to add a little colour to this one. Why? I don't know. But I did! Kacey belongs to the awesome Chalo, from his Knighthood comic.

A drawing of Chalo's Kacey, wearing a shirt that says "Big Slice Pizza", and holding a pizza box, trying out some slogans for Big Slice.

"Why order 'normal' pizza when you can order BS pizza!"

"You're never satisfied until your day's had some BS!"

"There's always room for a little extra BS in your life!"

Someone offscreen goes "I think you might need to work on your slogans a bit more... maybe stop using only the initials..."

"Life is like a box of pizza; It's full of BS!"

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

I'm working now to try to sort this out in a better way. There's new planning to do. And actions for me to take. And step one is admitting that I do need more help, I do need more support and I do need reassurance that I can get through everything. Which is a remarkably hard thing to ask for.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

Impossible because I am looking at decades of buildup, and now trying to move them in the here and now. And terrifying because what happiness I do have and hold feels incredibly threatened by any kind of shift or change. Like I am better accepting "tiny happiness" rather than anything bigger.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

Ultimately, I am still a long way from my goals. And what is most frustrating is that while I can see the mountain I have to climb, the idea of climbing it is equal parts seemingly impossible and utterly terrifying.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

I want close, intimate friendships and relationships, yet I do not feel capable of doing them. The weight of "I am somehow wrong" drags heavily into that, putting a huge amount of fear into my actions that I have to monitor heavily.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

And this has coupled with me living physically alone and isolated for a long time now. While I do have social circles and many dear friends, a great deal of my sense of safety around others has, by this isolation, eroded a good deal, putting me in many paradoxical positions.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

25 years later, I am still wrestling with the very concept that I can be happy on my terms. Throughout those years, it has led me into toxic relationships, or had me put trust in people who hurt me while I refused to defend myself from their actions or neglect, accepting them as a cost for happiness

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

This was unintentionally reinforced by my parents, who encouraged me when I took actions that I thought would make me more like my brother. It was supportive, but I still had not had the ability to say "this is what makes me happy, not this", so I had little option but to keep trying what didnt work

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

What I lacked a lot of growing up was support and success on my terms. Instead, I would refer to my brother, realize I was not doing it his way and conclude that I was somehow living 'wrong'.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

While we are still in a state of probing and finding out why this is, a theory building is that I have lived a vast majority of my life with a concept of success and happiness defined by my brother, who is a very different person than me. Not bad, but he was much more visibly successful than I was.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

I had never even considered it. And I've begun to realize that even though I have that system built, and supportive friends who know what it means - I still don't have the 'courage' to say I need help. Which has been a troubling fact I've been trying to overcome.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

When I said "yes, maybe I should go yellow (the color I use for more of a 'I am in a caution state' rather than crisis), my therapist said that she was shocked I was not willing to go to red (which is a much more crisis state where I am actively closing and saying I need help and support).

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

My therapist confronted me with the fact that I was no longer using signals that I developed with those close to me (those friends on discord who know about my colors). I had left things as "okay" even when I really was feeling overloaded and unable to process more.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

My moods have been experiencing occasional, sharp declines without seemingly obvious triggers. Sure there is plenty going on to hurt one's mental health, but for me, there was something deeper going on. Especially since I regularly struggle with opening up to others.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

So the last few months (approx December), I've been experiencing a pretty considerable backwards slide in my mental health. Never going into full crisis, but just bad days. Or so I thought. What it seems more likely was that I was going back to covering up and masking rather than opening up.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

So it has been a pretty long time since I did one of these, but yesterday was a pretty tumultuous therapy day, so I think it might help if I post about it here.

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Vap @vaporotem.bsky.social · 11/02/2026

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of our lil French princess Elise, explaining to her friends the RIGHT WAY to say Croissant~🥐 Tribute and credits to www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG9E... ▼ω▼ Thank you very much~!💛 #commission

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Nighto @headofnights.bsky.social · 31/12/2025

To everyone who supports me, thank you so much for being part of the community and being nice to me!! I'm extremely grateful about how this year has been and I hope to keep making more cool stuff for you to enjoy in 2026!! #ArtsOfNighto💀

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 21/12/2025

Utterly heartbroken by the news of you using AI. I was an enormous fan, I paid big into past kickstarters, this is an insult.

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Vap @vaporotem.bsky.social · 12/11/2025

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of their ferret boy Riposte, taking a shower to think about the hardship of life🚿 Thank you very much~!💛 #commission

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Nighto @headofnights.bsky.social · 19/10/2025

Bröther DuForte of the Dark Angels Chapter Commission for @curran12.bsky.social #ArtsOfNighto💀

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Vap @vaporotem.bsky.social · 09/10/2025

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of adventuring girls downtime at the hot springs~( ¯꒳¯ ) Had to do some Manga-censoring there, too much fun timez💦 Thank you very much~!💛 #commission

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

The work now is going to be in actually teaching myself to take legitimate downtime where I am not in an alert or standby state. That, I admit, is daunting because it pushes hard against that upbringing. But here's hoping I can find a way. Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

It has led me into toxic relationships and romantic attractions in the past where I all but treated them as a drug and pursued the "high" of emotional bonding, not realizing that being emotionally open isn't supposed to be a drug I only get a hit of from time to time.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

Plenty of guilt from a wealthy upbringing plays into it. Plus a generally isolated life (both physically and emotionally). I was the low-maintenance child who was independent, seemingly positive things, but now I am realizing the impact of such an upbringing.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

I spend an enormous amount of energy, even when I am on downtime or off the clock, in a hypervigilant state. I keep the email open, I keep on in discord because I need to be ready to "help" even if I am in no shape to do so. I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

From an outside perspective, I can see how unhinged this behavior is. And how damaging. As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

To family, I was always doing just fine. Even to strangers, I tie myself up in knots over not wanting to be appear unusual, to the point where I even shop at rotating grocery stores so that I would not be "seen" buying my usual groceries because I believed it would be unusual to get the same thing.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

This, in turn, developed into a need to appear functional and "correct" at all times. Not in that I was correcting people, but that I did not appear that I would cause a burden to others. So to friends, I would be a reliable, compassionate rock that did not express strong emotions.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

In some ways, I get where it comes from. My upbringing put enormous value on things like charity, volunteering and generosity. And those are good values, sure, but I believe I've gotten to the point where I felt those were the ONLY measures of happiness. That if I kept sacrificing, I'd be happy.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

And it very much tracks with behaviors that I thought were acceptable, or even positive, in the past. That I was always available, always the first to step up and help, always the first to sacrifice for others. Because I never wanted to be a burden on others, and only a boon.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

After describing some more of my behaviors and lifestyle choices, my therapist said something very telling and impactful to me: "You are so occupied with not taking up any space in anyone else's life that you're not even taking up space in your life".

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

Progress continues on many of my existing issues, but a new one has been uncovered that I believe is helping to tie together many elements of my bad mental health that, at first, appeared to be separate ideas.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 14/08/2025

About time for another therapy journal, I think.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

I'm trying to follow advice to actually get space, but it is a more difficult path for me since it is almost like I believe I need to "wait my turn" to be in pain and suffering when others around me have their own trials and struggles. It's been a long two weeks. Hopefully better news next time

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

Which all ties back to my boundary issues. Which is, in short, I can't make or maintain them, the opposite of what one expects for a boundary problem. I admit, I am deep in the hole this past few weeks. I am struggling greatly mentally, but unable to break out of bad loops or ask for help.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

It has led to a kind of harmful fantasizing. "If I broke my leg, that would be a reason to relax and not jump into every new urge and problem." While this is not me expressing a desire to self-harm, I can't deny these thoughts either. It is simply the only way I see myself as able to get a break.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

And these mindsets are deeply, deeply seeded in me because I feel like I have nothing else going on, and the idea of even temporary relief, in my mind, requires a "good reason". I'd love to take a mental health break. But the only way my mind finds a path to it is if I suffer a visible catastrophe.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

For me, and for many years back, the idea of my wanting/not wanting something being an adequate reason to ask for, or refuse anything has been foreign to me. I've developed an urge to make sure I have a "good reason" for all things I ask for. And "because it makes me feel good" is NOT a good reason.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

And it has led me into many problem scenarios, or bad relationships where I was happy to accept anything, without ever saying no, or even pushing for my own self worth in it. Because that is the other problem unearthed, and that of my deep and troubling lack of self-worth.

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curran12.bsky.social @curran12.bsky.social · 24/07/2025

It ties back to the "rocks don't complain" mindset. If I don't complain, I also cannot refuse. Because, in my own mind, refusal means rejection. Filtered through my mind and experiences, they are one in the same. A "no" to a single thing means a total "no" and the risk of wholesale abandonment.

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