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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 04/07/2025

Rohan became an officially recognised independent nation from Gondor after the battle of Calenardhon. They went on to form a generational alliance, and were well-respected by their friends. Other nations I could name have done less well. Apropos of nothing, Happy 4th of July.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 15/06/2025

Nobody in #Middle-earth celebrated #FathersDay. But can you blame them? #Frodo 's dad drowned. #Bilbo 's was a weirdo who spent all his wife's money. And the less said of #Denethor the better. Middle-earth was only missing paternity tests to make #MauryPovich come running.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 01/06/2025

On this day in 1938 Tolkien's UK publisher, Stanley Unwin, wrote to say that the American publishers had sold 3k copies of the American version of 'The Hobbit' and that it had been awarded a prize of $250, which is over $5k in today's money.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 12/05/2025

After the One Ring was destroyed, #Sauron became an impotent spirit of malice. My mate Paul is impotent which means he can't make babies. Makes him a bit of an angry twat. So maybe that's why Sauron was so full of malice: his broken Sauron penis meant he couldn't make baby Saurons. #LotR #Tolkien

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 28/04/2025

Tolkien said "the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any man...is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity." But in fairness he hadn't tried to be a fascist dictator so didn't know what he was missing.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 20/04/2025

Jesus wasn't a zombie as he didn't consume people-meat. And he wasn't a vampire since he didn't drink people-blood. (He just made everyone else do it.) The closest thing the people of #MiddleEarth have to Jesus is arguably the King of the Dead, except that he was a ghost whereas Jesus was corporeal.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 10/04/2025

After attacking Frodo and trying to rob him, Frodo found it difficult to trust Boromir. For his part, Boromir never got the chance to make amends since he was too busy being a pin cushion. Frodo was sad because Boromir was an arsehole, and Boromir and Denethor were sad because Boromir was dead.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 01/04/2025

Also Tolkien: "The map is hell!" True story! The quotation is true. Not LotR. That would be silly. It's no more real than The Bible.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 25/03/2025

Today marks the day Frodo failed to destroy the One Ring but an emaciated hobbit slipped into a pool of fire and saved the world. My mate Paul once slipped on some water at a PureGym and fell into a hot tub and got a free coffee. Banged on about it for months.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 16/03/2025

In mid-March Sam rescued Frodo in the tower. He'd been bit by some woman called Sheila or summat. Probably a Scouser. All the Sheilas I've known were Scoussers. Then he got captured by orcs who took his kit off and whipped him, and didn't even use safe words. Perverts. My safe words are Ya Kid K.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 08/03/2025

Hobbits didn't like machines "more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a hand-loom." This means that when applying raspberry jam to their scones as in the Unexpected Party they likely used a spoon, completely ignoring the advice of 1989 Belgian techno anthem Pump Up the Jam.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 03/03/2025

Beer, ale, porter, wine, coffee, seed-cake, scones, raspberry jam, apple tart, mince-pies, cheese, pork pie, salad, eggs, chicken, and pickles are all said to have been eaten at #Bilbo 's Unexpected Party In #TheHobbit. What's not mentioned is what Bag-end would've smelled like the morning after.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 26/02/2025

The #PrancingPony was a haven for travellers on the Great Road running East-West. It was a place to have a respite from weariness and grab a drink and a kip. These days it's just as popular, mostly for dancing. A place where boys and girls can all be queens, every single day.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 21/02/2025

Around the year 1050 of the Third Age, #Sauron bought a house in Greenwood the Great and renamed it #Mirkwood. This habit of dictatorial overlords moving in and renaming geographical areas just because they feel like it is still practiced today. Unfortunately, we're severely lacking in wizards.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 17/02/2025

When he left #Lothlórien, #Galadriel enabled and encouraged the dwarf, #Gimli, to pursue his kinky hair fetish. My mate Paul once got drunk and tried to ask a beautiful woman outside a pub for some of her hair. But she turned out to be just a wig that some stag do had chucked over a post box.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 11/02/2025

In #TheHobbit #Tolkien mentions a clock on #Bilbo 's mantelpiece. Most scholars point to this as an example of anachronistic writing, which is incorrect. In fact, #Middle-earth includes subtle references to time travel. It's the only explanation for why Bilbo wrote of a steam train in his memoirs.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 08/02/2025

#Hobbits had famously furry feet with leathery soles, meaning they didn't need to wear shoes. My mate Paul once spent an entire year going about without shoes and ended up losing a toe. He said it wouldn't have mattered except he was trying to break into foot modelling at the time.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 07/02/2025

In JRR #Tolkien's #TheHobbit, #BilboBaggins is recruited by #Thorin and his musical friends to help them retrieve their lost treasure from a dragon and achieve that coveted golden status. Gold status was also achieved by #Technotronic after selling 400K copies of the Belgian anthem #PumpUpTheJam.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 04/02/2025

#Denethor is a classic example of what not to do as a parent. He admitted favouritism for #Boromir, openly showed mistrust towards #Faramir, and even knowingly sent his son to what was his likely death when he got fed up with him. These are things most parents are smart enough to do in secret.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 02/02/2025

The moon letters on #Thror 's map only appear when moonlight shines behind them. Some versions of this technology only worked when the moon was the same shape/season as the day when they were written. This is an example of #Elvish security engineers upgrading to something like 128-bit encryption.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 01/02/2025

In the 1977 #RankinBass animated adaptation of The #Hobbit, the song 'The Greatest Adventure' proclaims that the greatest adventure is "what lies ahead." Yet the whole story is based on #Bilbo 's memoirs recounting the adventures of his past. So that was a load of bollocks.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 30/01/2025

The ancient rivalry between #Elves and #Dwarves was on full display during the Council of #Elrond, the most famous Zoom meeting in the history of Middle-earth. At one point, we see Elrond refer to #Gimli as a "son of a gloin" which suggests that 'gloin' is the ancient Elvish word for a female dog.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 28/01/2025

When I googled "what is a pippin good for", it told me "eating fresh, cooking, and for juicing and hard cider". It's clear that only some of the #orcs who kidnapped #Merry and #Pippin were aware of these facts. #Tolkien #Middle-earth

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 27/01/2025

#Samwise is popularly depicted as a fatter-than-average hobbit but the text does not support this. Only #Frodo 's weight is mentioned, with relation to actually slimming down. And with the food scarcity by the time they got to #Mordor, one imagines a fat Sam would start to worry for his own safety.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 27/01/2025

Conversely, #Manwë and #Varda never seemed to have any issues at all. They sat like royalty above all else. Like the David and Victoria Beckham of #Middle-earth, they seemed to strengthen each other simply by being near each other. Kinda makes you feel sick, doesn't it? #Tolkien #Silmarillion

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 26/01/2025

#Aulë and #Yavannah were two of #Tolkien 's #Valar who sniped at each other like an old married couple, even in their early days. She ended up ignoring him in her greenhouse, and he ignored her in his workshop. Thus setting the tone that would be the saviour of marriages for generations to come.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 25/01/2025

When Ilúvatar, or Eru, aka The One, God above all, decided to give his offspring, the Ainur, a bit of homework, it wasn't doing dishes or laundry with which he tasked them. Instead, he had them make the entire world. Except they didn't know how to do it or what it was supposed to look like. #Tolkien

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 24/01/2025

Imagine hitting 100 followers in less than a week. I mean, took at least 4 or 5 months before the Billboard Hot 100 was graced by the Belgian techno anthem, "Pump Up the Jam" after its release in 1989. I'm honoured, but do you lot even pay attention to the bollocks I'm typing out here?

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 24/01/2025

#Tolkien tried to include some well-known myths in his tales with varying degrees of success, e.g. the Atlantis myth or King Arthur. But he drew the line at ridiculous or modern myths. Yet his friend #CSLewis chucked Father Christmas into Narnia and it was very successful, so what did Tolkien know?

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 23/01/2025

Music and poetry play a large part in creating the beauty of #Tolkien 's stories, and many have gone on to have a life of their own among the fandom. Examples include "Namárië" and "The Song of Durin". But perhaps most well-known is "Ramble On" by the rock-quartet of hobbits called #LedZeppelin.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 22/01/2025

#MiddleEarth refers to the central continent upon which many of #Tolkien 's stories are set. Its name derives from the long-forgotten Old English term 'middangeard', which is just one of many examples of forgotten middles. The middle of a doughnut or a bagel, for instance. Or middle children.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 21/01/2025

Many readers have misinterpreted the character of #Boromir as being somewhat of a villain or at best an antihero. But he simply wanted to use a weapon of unspeakable power to ensure his country's superiority over opposing nations. Obviously that never causes problems. #tolkien #lordoftherings

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 20/01/2025

The character of #Legolas is a source of some debate within the #Tolkien fan community. Was he dark haired? Was he blonde? Did he wear woolly socks in those tiny shoes on Caradhras? And why would an elf start a toy company specialising in bricks made of (of all things) plastic?

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 19/01/2025

In #Tolkien 's stories, Ents were walking, talking trees who took forever to accomplish or even to say anything. They were so dull their wives ran away and got themselves killed. It's no wonder they were dying out during the Third Age. They were harder to breed with than pandas who are on the pill.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 19/01/2025

When people talk about J.R.R. Tolkien's literary genius, they mean his mastery of language, his deep knowledge of and influences by myth and lore from various other cultures, and his sweeping, epic prose and poetry. What they don't talk about is he had no idea why he was doing it in the first place.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 18/01/2025

Okay my researchers (also batshit crazy nerds, it seems) have informed me the correct terms are 'Balrog' (presumably an ancient form of 'Roger'), and 'Legendarium' (not Legends of Dairy Hulme), which has nothing to do with dairy farming in Greater Manchester.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 18/01/2025

With such a deep and branching mythology, and with so many batshit crazy fans, debates about various story plot points are inevitable. Who was Tom Bombadil? Why did he tear off that bald hog's wings (leading to the modern day idiom about flying pigs)? And why were the Legends set in Dairy Hulme?

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 18/01/2025

Túrin spent years fighting the forces of Morgoth in disguise by not only hiding his face, but also changing his name. Fighting crime in the name of vengeance with no parents to help him, and favouring the colour black, Túrin was like some sort of medieval Batman. If Batman had sex with his sister.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 17/01/2025

Húrin famously shouted "Aurë entuluva" repeatedly during a great battle with countless orcs. The meanings of these words are unclear, as the language has been lost to time along with other dead languages like Rongorongo, Olmec script, or Republican. It's possible he was just saying "Ouch, stop."

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 17/01/2025

The One Ring was destroyed in the year 3019 of the Third Age of Middle-earth, bringing about the destruction of the Dark Lord Sauron, and ushering a time of peace. These great events marked the ending of the Third Age and the beginning of the Fourth.

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Cunk on Middle-earth @cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social · 17/01/2025

People ask why they didn't take the Eagles to Mount Doom. Some say it's because they aren't a taxi service. But my mate Paul ran a taxi firm and didn't drive anywhere further than Pickering, and he went out of business. It could be the Eagles were just lazy sods, which is why they appear so rarely.

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