Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 9hMicrowave pizza brand, Celeste, is being discontinued after 60+ years. You know their slogan, “Just Like Mama Used to Nuke.” 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 09/10/2026Secretary of Defense Hegseth plans to livestream an execution by firing squad. We get it, Pete—you LOVE shots. 010
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 08/10/2026Comedian Chris Rock wrote, directed, and performs in the new movie “Misty Green.” To ensure a hit, the film costars Will Smith. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 07/10/2026Second Lady Usha Vance stumbled exiting a helicopter while carrying her infant son. Oooo…this close to seeing if baby boys do bounce. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 06/10/2026A Missouri man just discovered his real father is singer Michael McDonald. The first clue was his birth name: Yahmo B. Eisenberg. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 05/10/2026Tom Cruise’s "Digger" flopped at the box office and could cost WB $150 million. In a world of Mavericks, this film is pure Goose. 011
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 02/10/2026The president claims he has the highest of IQs. When asked how high, Trump proudly declares that it's a Perfect 10. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 01/10/2026The Pope sent a formal letter of blessing to the White Sox for the playoffs. Of course, Leo’s staff is still ride-or-die Cardinals. 111
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 30/09/2026Comedian Carrot Top tried to take his own life last week. Thankfully it was a failed herbicide attempt. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Pandas Ping Ping and Fu Shuang just arrived in the U.S. Great—more cheap Chinese knockoffs of the American original: Andy. 001
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 28/09/2026President Trump is barring CNN from Air Force One. The news network should count itself lucky—no one likes to fly with a crying baby. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 25/09/2026DNA from Thomas Jefferson’s hair proves his paternity to two of Sally Heming’s children. TJ . . . you ARE the founding father! 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 25/09/2026A 6-year-old Chinese girl solved a Rubik’s cube in a record 4.27 seconds. While the American kid chewed on the box. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 23/09/2026Trump wants to put snipers on his golden arch and fill it with ammo. Better yet, just build a 2nd beside it and fill it with Big Macs. 001
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 22/09/2026The president just met with the mayor of New York. Desperate to get his name on ANYthing, Trump demanded the mayor change his to “Mamdonald." 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 21/09/2026William Shatner’s new heavy metal band covered Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" at Riot Fest. The TV icon punctuated the performance by biting the head off a tribble. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 18/09/2026A new wild cat species has been identified in Bolivia. The discovery was made when a jungle biologist woke to a face full of unknown feline butthole. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 17/09/2026Ed Sheeran has lost all the opening acts for his latest outing. The fear of a nixed tour has the ginger’s hair standing on end. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 16/09/2026After a 3+ month absence, Sen. Mitch McConnell finally returned to Congress. But shockingly, NOT to lie in state. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 15/09/2026Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd reunited at the Emmys last night. Not only are they Angels, apparently they’re also the patron saints of tit lifts. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 14/09/2026A University of Akron football fan was given the opportunity to be the team’s Offensive Coordinator. They won with a completed buttonhook at the woodpile. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 11/09/2026An emergency slide was blown on the Qatari Air Force One. In his defense, Trump did think it was the button for the bounce house. 001
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 10/09/2026This week is the first-ever Republican midterm convention DJT has dubbed, “Trumpapalooza.” Pfft—more like, “Pants-on-Fire Man." 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 09/09/2026An Australian man was fined $1K for buttering a bagel while driving. Totally uncalled-for...Moses was just about to take the wheel. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 08/09/2026Spud the bulldog has won the 2026 Top Dog championship race at Canterbury Park in Shakopee, MN. The winner got a hamburger, the runners up—a nice trip upstate. 001
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 07/09/2026The Michigan Wolverines won their season opener with two, last-second Hail Marys. Sportscasters are calling it a great start to the Rosary. 010
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 04/09/2026Fox host and Trump loyalist Maria Bartiromo has been fired. She’ll land on her feet—word is Natalie’s hiring an intern. 121
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 03/09/2026The White House is spending $250,000 to renovate its bowling alley. Not surprisingly, Trump almost always bowls 300…pounds. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 02/09/2026US Open fans are abuzz at No. 3 Carlos Alcaraz’s exposed nipple. Somewhere a tear of pride rolls down the cheek of Justin Timberlake. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 01/09/2026A North Carolina petting zoo was found to have three baby goats with rabies. It’s the biggest barnyard threat to people since sheep with herpes. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 31/08/2026Jelly Roll nailed hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live last week. He ended his time behind the desk with an emotional tribute to his late father, as well as honoring his mother, Little Debbie. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 28/08/2026During a Dolly Parton tribute, CNN accidentally showed an image that was NOT the songstress. Worse—it was a photo of the Grand Tetons. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 27/08/2026A Chinese humanoid robot just ran the 100-meter in a record 8.86 seconds. Impressive—but they still have yet to crack the 4-minute Mao. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 26/08/2026In an effort to provoke Canada, the president wants to change "Lake Ontario" to "Lake America." And to honor Trump, the Canucks are renaming the second-largest Great Lake, "Lake Moron." 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 25/08/2026Russia has requested 50,000 more North Korean troops to aid in the Ukrainian war. It’s a large order—luckily Putin has a Groupon. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 24/08/2026Outshine Fruit Bars has announced a recall due to possible glass contamination. Well, what they lack in safety they make up for in transparency. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 21/08/2026MLB’s Jose Iglesias will soon star in the musical, Buena Vista Social Club. Finally, the New York METS get a Broadway Joe. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 20/08/2026Prince Harry and family are moving back to England. The kids are gonna love opening their lunchboxes to the UK’s #1 Snack Pack—blood pudding swirl. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 19/08/2026A Penn State fraternity has been busted for running a cocaine ring. It’s quite a hit to the reputation of the ol’ Blow ’n White. 001
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 18/08/2026A California grandmother recently skydived to celebrate her 100th birthday. At 5,000 ft, she released her chute—and at 4,999 ft, she released her teeth. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 17/08/2026The American Red Cross reports U.S. blood supplies are at a record low. But in a pinch, online experts say you may substitute KC Masterpiece. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 14/08/2026White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is stepping down. An unprecedented move—especially from a person who couldn’t get any lower. 010
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 13/08/2026ICE is now using electric “shock” gloves in their detainments. The new equipment is helpful with arrests, but ESPECIALLY effective in cavity searches. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 12/08/2026An Arkansas high school football player recently found a venomous snake in his helmet. Like the saying goes—if it had been a foam liner, it would have protected his head. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 11/08/2026Highlander star, Christopher Lambert, left Pittsburgh’s Steel City Con early after a health scare. It was unclear to which area hospital he’d be heading. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 10/08/2026A food safety expert claims Taylor Farms is playing fast and loose with the cyclospora facts. Which, ironically, now describes thousands of Americans’ stools. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 07/08/2026Miss North Carolina USA has been stripped of her title due to values violations. Specifically, winks & finger guns when referring to her "smoky mountains" and "hatter ass." 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 06/08/2026A SpaceX rocket just crashed into the moon. Totally on brand—and even with no oxygen, the Musk-made product STILL caught on fire. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 05/08/2026A Pennsylvania dog missing for 2 years has been found in Wisconsin. Gone that long, and all she could offer her owners was a handshake. 000
Andy Kelly @chortlesnort.bsky.social · 04/08/2026Unhappy with how she’s handled the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool prosecution, Trump may fire his U.S. Attorney for D.C., Jeanine Pirro. In anticipation, the former FOX host has already moved on to her next case—of wine coolers. 000
