Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 15/03/2026One time one of my fuck buddies went to a Kelly Clarkson concert and I got to watch clips of it on Snapchat. Him and his husband just singing along to Since U Been Gone having a gay ole time 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 10/02/2026One time I was jerking off & my cum shot got me in the ear 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 09/02/2026One time I was meeting up with guys at a motel, & inexplicably I went to the front desk to ask where the room was. Of course the concierge asks me for the guest’s name & I didn’t know it & so I said his Snapchat name & staring at my blankly she was like “I have to call the room” 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 08/02/2026One time when I worked for the library we had this patron & all she wanted us to bring her was horror movies. The bloodier the better. & no repeats!! We had to scour the shelves & stocks for obscure films & indie releases because she’d seen almost everything in the catalogue 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 07/02/2026One time working at the library I took a book from the warehouse’s donation bin which was NOT allowed but it was a Herman Hesse novel & I got so spiritually & philosophically charged up I donated it back after I was done 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 06/02/2026One time when I worked for the public library my supervisor left & so I just left too, like 2 hours early, & went to the pool. When I got called out on it during a performance review I had the audacity to think like “damn who told??” I mean probably everyone you worked with dude 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 06/02/2026One time I was meeting up with guys at a motel, & inexplicably I went to the front desk to ask where the room was. Of course the concierge asks me for the guest’s name & I didn’t know it & so I said his Snapchat name & staring at my blankly she was like “I have to call the room” 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 02/02/2026One time I was at the mall with friends & one of us was about to meet up with a cute boy. Before he left he gave us his empty Chik-fil-a cup? & we did not get why so we chucked it directly in the trash. Turns out he’d snuck a $200 scarf in there to smuggle it out of the Macy’s 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 01/02/2026One time for a 20th Century American Lit class I stole my entire reading list from a Barnes & Nobles. In one visit 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 01/02/2026One time I begged a friend to borrow her complete works of Shakespeare tome for a uni class she’d taken before me, & she said yes IF I proooomised to give it back after. I kept it for years & might actually still have it to this day 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 30/01/2026One time before I was 21 I drove to Walmart & standing in plain sight in the booze aisle I shook a gallon-sized glass jar of Seagram’s gin into my backpack and walked out unperturbed 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 30/01/2026One time I was standing on the porch of a lady whose place I’d just B&E’d by accident with a dog that wasn’t mine & she was like “well, it happens, but you’re lucky it was me or you might have been shot.” & it’s wild to think out of everything I could have died like THAT 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 30/01/2026One time I took my sister’s dog into the wrong apartment & he got his nose scratched by the cat that was in there before I could choke him back outside with the leash. The lady ran after me & shut the door behind her & I was apologizing profusely but she was like well, it happens 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 30/01/2026One time I got caught in the rain after leaving an orientation for grad school & my canvas tote got so soaked it bled through to the journal I had in there & literally washed a chunk of pages clean. Ultimately a portentous way to start my creative writing masters 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 29/01/2026One time I was dancing on a guy at some gay clubbing event in Baton Rouge, & I tried earnestly to steal his wallet as I was feeling up on his butt, just to see if I could. Turns out I couldn’t 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 29/01/2026One time in college I went to a Great Gatsby–themed house party and before I left I stole decorative curlicue wall art from the hallway, which I later gave to the tipsy taxi driver after she complimented it 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 24/01/2026One time I went to see my proctologist for hemorrhoid pain but only his assistant was available. She was a young woman named Jessica probably & after she gave me a rectal exam I realized it was the 1st & only time in my life that a woman had put a finger in my ass 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 24/01/2026One time in college I was driving drunk with my windows down & my passenger side mirror clipped a parked car’s taillight. I only realized the next morning when I got in to drive to work & there was a hunk of colored plexiglass on the passenger seat 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 23/01/2026One time I was on my knees sucking my friend’s dick when I looked up & asked him to slap me across the face. He told me no & said it was because he liked me too much, as a friend. & that, people, is why you don’t hook up with your friends 031
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 21/01/2026One time in high school I said something rude to my boyfriend & he slapped me across the face. It was my first time being slapped like that, so hard that for a split second my vision went black. I don’t remember exactly what I said, just that I might’ve deserved it. Just a lil bit 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 18/01/2026One time in NYC I decided to hop off the Q well before my stop in Brooklyn & walk across the Manhattan Bridge on a whim & when I was halfway across, the skies opened up & unleashed a torrent of cold rain that kept up as I jogged pitifully & sopping wet the rest of the way across 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 18/01/2026One time I had to give a speech at my cousin’s wedding party & I panicked about it for weeks but finally landed on a joke routine & some philosophical thoughts about love’s shame-negating ability & later I heard they all thought I talked too much. Like don’t ask me to speak then 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 17/01/2026One time my cousin got married on my aunt’s picturesque property a half hour outside the city & they did that Celtic knotting ceremony that a bunch of queer people do now & I tied the knot for them 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 14/01/2026One time I was walking around downtown New Orleans on my lunch break & I got distracted with my phone & when I looked up I was in the middle of the street. It was a green light in my direction & I just stood there in traffic as cars passed before and behind me 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 13/01/2026One time I took my sister’s dog for a walk around her apt complex & accidentally walked into the wrong apartment because I got the buildings mixed up. A woman was sitting on the couch with a cat and it took my brain a few good seconds to realize what was going on 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 13/01/2026One time I was trying to buy wine underage and got carded, so I said I didn’t have my ID on me. He asked for my birthday but I can’t do mental math and so when I lied, I was still underage. The guy just let me have it anyway! Illegal!! 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 11/01/2026One time my friend got married on a beautiful mountainside with a view that spilled out into a deeply gorgeous verdant valley & I was there 010
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 11/01/2026One time my PA at the LGBT health clinic called me to say one of my boyfriends had tested positive for chlamydia & so he had a shot ready for me whenever I could stop by. Which I always thought was really kind until someone pointed out it was probably a HIPAA violation 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 10/01/2026One time I went to the clinic for the results of my routine 3-mo STD panel & upon entering the exam room the nurse broke the news by saying, “well, we had some fun this weekend didn’t we” 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 09/01/2026One time a guy gave me gonorrhea in my throat and then I dated him and his boyfriend for a year 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 08/01/2026One time in my gym’s locker room I got cruised by a married guy & later, when he was blowing me in a bathroom stall, he straight up spread the head of my cock apart with his fingers to tongue my piss slit! & I was like not me getting slutted out by a straight dude 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 08/01/2026One time a guy I met online picked me up so we could park on the Blue Ridge Parkway & I could eat his ass in the backseat. On our way back we passed another car on the shoulder, & the people inside were hooking up too! W/ the door lights on!! & I was like, wow, that’s bold 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 06/01/2026One time I really hit it off with a guy in a bar, we were like furiously making out on the dance floor until finally we just left, went across the street & jerked each other off behind a large topiary. I don’t even remember asking him to do that, it just happened like telepathy 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 06/01/2026One time I was alone in a gay club in Budapest & so I tried get a guy to dance with me but my approach was to come at him from behind & put a hand on his shoulder & and he jumped so hard & shrugged me off so I just left, upset 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 06/01/2026One time I was in a café in Budapest. I asked a local what gay club to go to, & I searched Maps for “alterigo” 3 times before I realized he was just saying “Alter Ego” with an accent. Wild that I was doing that in Hungary, famously anti-gay country now. The club sucked though 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 03/01/2026One time in Brooklyn I was walking to work & a woman on the street lunged at me & swiped at my stomach. I jumped back just in time, & we both continued on like nothing happened… I knew that other people saw & I was embarrassed but like what else was I supposed to do? 000
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 02/01/2026One time I dreamed I was masturbating so vigorously that I woke myself up 010
Joe Schmoe @brainards-brain.bsky.social · 01/01/2026One time in grad school I read “I Remember” by Joe Brainard & now I have this BlueSky account & I think it’s the most I’ve done with my MFA 000
