Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 11/09/2026trying to explain to the cops that I recently had a blood transfusion and they gave me crazy lady blood 021
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 19/08/2026I’m tellin my kids that chowder is made by grinding up seagulls 052
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 18/06/2026Me: you tellin me a turkey made this club? Guy at the sandwich counter: (gazes at me with the dead eyes of a man who has seen entire families slaughtered by jackals) 051
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 17/06/2026why yes, I consider myself a party animal (a mouse quietly scuttling out to partake in a delicious morsel) 040
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 12/06/2026HOT DOGS is an anagram for SHOT GOD, which seems somehow appropriate 120
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 04/06/2026farted in my office and it sounded like a corgi trying to order Vietnamese food 030
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 14/05/2026does this song remind you of your dead cat? sorry yeah I didn’t think so either 000
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 13/05/2026if I worked as a photocopier repair guy I would dress up like a large stack of paper, so as not to spook the machines 030
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 01/05/2026“much like a slithering snake shedding its skin” I murmur to horrified onlookers at the bánh mì shop who just watched me suck the sliced pork and toppings out of a baguette 060
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 29/04/2026a good name for a horse would be Kris Klipclopperston 453074440
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 13/04/2026was in a hurry and accidentally bought Hillman’s Mayonnaise instead of Hellmans, it tastes almost identical but after eating a turkey sandwich you feel an irresistible urge to hurl snakes at trespassers 0100
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 05/04/2026Not so much of a fan of the resurrection to be honest I’m more of a crucifixion guy 0121
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 15/03/2026my main method of transportation is willy nilly 0111
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 06/03/2026(extremely Rodney Dangerfield voice) My wife’s favourite vitamin is vitamin see… I told you so. Anti oxidants? Buddy she’s anti everything. 050
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 24/02/2026Microsoft word all up in my business warning me that my margins are small. I don’t give a fuck print that shit and stop asking dumb ass questions paperclip ass bitch 050
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 23/02/2026watching two seagulls engaged in awkward aerial combat, I love you, you clumsy whores of the sea 0193
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 04/02/2026contrary to how they are popularly depicted, demons are actually extremely blurry 061
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 13/01/2026tryin to slink quietly out of the grocery store after getting busted having a full on conversation with myself about a block of spicy cheese 052
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 11/01/2026My Dietician: actually knuckle meat is fairly healthy, and the carbs in the bread are not your enemy 030
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 07/01/2026people talk about “going ham” as if ham is not one of the chillest, most ubiquitous deli meats 1225
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 28/11/2025I hate the sound of macaroni my nightmares echo with the sickly fleshy smacking of wooden spoons agitating gooey pasta tubes 22810
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 22/11/2025Attention trampoliners! If you’re here for ilyusha’s birthday party make your way to the party room! The hardships of the Snegiryov family are almost imperceptible here! 020
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 18/11/2025sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, that there is a beautiful woman. sometimes I see a handsome man and I’m like, bet he can’t even do any spin kicks 071
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 18/11/2025it’s never a bad time to get trampled by some elk 050
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 12/11/2025I’ve got two tickets to paradise *Eddie Money’s two children look at each other anxiously* 040
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 08/11/2025I may not be a mythical creature but I do enjoy lurking among pillars within the catacombs 092
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 06/11/2025it’s cute how in Autumn leaves just invite themselves inside like what’s up there any beers in this joint ahah just kidding sweep me back outside whenever you want or whatever 050
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 06/11/2025the fuck you even doin if your distinctions don’t be dubious 141
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 03/11/2025sure wings are great but have you ever tried eating a pound of xiphoid processes? 050
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 30/10/2025there’s not much better than hitting some old folks on a golf course with a “hail satan” 051
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 20/10/2025(extremely Mark Knopfler voice) money for pumpkins 071
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 08/10/2025there’s something abjectly pitiful about a broken down escalator. look at you, you pathetic metal heap. you used to think you were better than stairs 083
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 01/10/2025hate how my iPhone tries to finish my sentences maybe I’m giddy with diarrhea you don’t know 040
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 01/10/2025if you put me in a medieval battlefield I’d probably get nervous, eat too much mutton and die from being sluggish 0112
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 28/09/2025(Pulling down a box half-filled with broken picture frames, followed by a bundle of loose coat hangers) Jesus, who loaded this baked potato? 080
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 27/09/2025There’s a sign on a telephone pole along a country road to my parents’ house that says Repent or Perish Time is Running Out. Thing is this sign has been up there for 30 years. They’ve replaced it at least once. I chose perish years ago. 0203
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 19/09/2025the winner of the annual pumpkin contest uses a chain saw to cut open the swollen orange behemoth. surprise, shock. inside sits a tiny, delicate man tapping on a typewriter. on the page, two words: ball honkey 0175
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 06/09/2025one time I was in a hurry and to be honest I don’t recommend it 010
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 03/09/2025ain’t enough babies named Horace out there. when we bringin Horace back? 282
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 29/08/2025sure I’ll sell ya smokes but they’re $30 and they have a high resolution photo of a ripped open butt hole on the pack 020
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 27/08/2025every office building should have an old man who wanders the hallways silently, carrying a bucket full of bones 031
Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 20/08/2025my dad’s drug talk was a story about how one time he ate amanita muscaria and everything, from the knots in the kitchen cupboards to the bushes outside, transformed into cats 141
