iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 07/07/2026

Posting this on the Dean’s Office floor was not smart. Luckily I just had them install cameras in our hall so we can determine the culprit(s). #actuallyweknowitwasyou

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 27/06/2026

The Dean is excited to announce that our two Senior Executive #AssDeans have been promoted to Distinguished Senior Executive Principal #AssDeans. This creates room for two new Senior Executive #AssDeans. Organizational charts should always trend upward.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 25/06/2026

I regret to inform you that ‘I’ll do it later this summer’ is becoming a high-risk strategy.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 19/06/2026

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am your [Ass]Dean. Now, being an [Ass]Dean is like being a gardener who grows flowers of enlightenment.” Dean Warren Simon [Character]. Blue Mountain State. (2020). S2, Ep. 6 “Nerds”.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

When faculty get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

Never trust a faculty member who says “I’ll post grades tonight.” If they graded on time, imagine what else they’d be capable of.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 20/05/2026

Some people hear ‘summer break.’ I hear ‘unused classroom inventory.’

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 18/05/2026

Summer teaching offers the unique experience of being both on contract and somehow still off contract.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 16/05/2026

Watching faculty panic-submit grades 14 minutes before the registrar deadline is the closest academia gets to the Olympics. #ListofShameHereYouCome #FasterHigherStrongerTogether

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 16/05/2026

Every graduation has one faculty member dressed so dramatically you can’t tell if they’re here to celebrate the students or challenge Gandalf to a duel.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 15/05/2026

I keep the air conditioning high so everyone can fan themselves as they sweat during graduation ceremonies! I love seeing the faculty sweat!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 08/05/2026

Whomever posted the defamatory image targeting #AssDean Thomas in the SECOND FLOOR WOMEN’S BATHROOM will be identified and disciplined accordingly. Security footage is currently being reviewed. P.S. The Art Department is looking for a good artist! You should contact them.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 29/01/2026

I shall never be exauctorated, but that Dean might!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 16/01/2026

This is how I expect you to feel while waiting for your annual reviews too.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 06/01/2026

It is my understanding that Dr. Washington (allegedly) threatened Dr. Jackson with a chicken wing. We are looking into this … incident.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 01/01/2026

Happy New Year! May your productivity increase tenfold! I’ll be watching and expecting!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 06/12/2025

Get your grades in on time or go on the List of Shame! This year we will put the list of late graders on the main website page. #ShameAsAMotivator

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 05/12/2025

Dear ***Former*** Prospective Applicant, Sending the Dean and cc’ing the entire faculty the YouTube video of Reba McIntyre’s song “Why haven’t I heard from you” may not have been the best play on your part.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 03/12/2025

Yall are lucky I don’t have a podcast. The stories I’ve buried will chill you to the bone…

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 25/11/2025

Type “I love my #AssDean with all my” and let predictive text fill in the rest! I love my AssDean with all my soul but it doesn’t work.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 23/11/2025

I’m not being a bitch; I’m deploying one. It’s called administrative strategery. #assdean

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 21/11/2025

As we head into Thanksgiving break, I truly hope everyone gets the rest they keep telling me they don’t have time for.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 18/11/2025

This will help you understand me better! I’m at least a 2!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 16/11/2025

We have decided to halt international travel for faculty. If you want to go to an international conference please find one in this country. Thank you and please remember that we value your international research so much!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 15/11/2025

The new software we deployed to your devices is to protect you, not to spy on you!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 15/11/2025

You smell different when you’re awake.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 09/11/2025

Behind every great #AssDean is a very confused faculty.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 03/11/2025

The arc of the #AssDean universe is long, but it bends toward reality. Yall still complainin’!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 03/11/2025

If your over thinking about my policies and practices burned calories, you wouldn’t exist. Get back to work!

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 30/10/2025

My student just called Cincinnati “Sin-Sin-Naughty”. This means effective immediately we will no longer support conferences in that den of filth. I hope to see you in Vegas next month though.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 29/10/2025

I speak fluent academic nonsense. It’s not my fault you do not understand it.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 19/10/2025

With the retirement of Professors Smith, Jones, and Williams, I am happy to announce my promotion from AssDean to ASSDean. Their salaries alone justified my promotion and raise. We will not be replacing their lines. We thank them for their combined 80 years of teaching and research to our college.

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Alternative AssDeans @altassdeans.bsky.social · 18/10/2025

It’s not really my thing, but good morning to all of you who celebrate. Make sure you’re at Monday’s meeting by 750 a.m. Remember, on time is late! I will arrive around 2p.m. to debrief with you.

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