iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

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Sloan - COMMS OPEN @wretchedsloan.bsky.social · 25/09/2025

(CW: past self-harm.) "Because the Hook brings you back, I ain't tellin' you no lie, The Hook brings you back, On that you can rely." - Blues Traveler (1994) PART 1/2 - Teenage Regrets #art #queerart #comic #lgbtqia+

There were many, many nights back then when I would lay awake pining hard for what you both had. It was horribly embarrassing, so I never told you the extent of how much I was thinking of you. I was living in a shitty RV alone outside my actual house shortly after my grandma died. And I had no one else to keep my company. No one except you is my thoughts.

Even during my classes in high school and after I got out, I was thinking about you a whole lot. Your matching profiles, your cute messages, the times we spent hanging out on call, I thought of it fondly, yet some what bittersweet. It started to get to me a little.

Our hangout outs became rarer, and I had spent that time with you both instead of just him and I. Surprisingly for the mindset I had, I wasn't jealous or bitter about that, I enjoyed having more friends when I was already dealing with the shittiest, most selfish friend group imaginable. I liked being around you both equally despite only knowing one of you particularly well.

But, in the end, I saw your relationship and I didn't see myself as a friend anymore. I saw myself as some obsessive weirdo that just happened to know you. My desires, thoughts, all of it was around you. I got light-headed just thinking about what you both had, seething about my lost opportunity to have it all. I was both petrified and pissed, but only at myself for being a coward and not telling you how I felt before it was too late.

"Raz, I think you're really cool and sweet n' shit... You have really good taste in music and games and shows...

I also like talking to you on Insta and seeing your posts...

Also you send a lot of hearts in our DM's and you compliment my art a lot and it makes my heart flutter..."

"Please God tell me you feel the same I proMISE I CAN BE GOOD FOR YOU I SWEAR I'LL MAKE YOU MORE ART- (unintelligible)."

I felt so undeserving of love back then. Love was only a punishment to me, and I was scared my love for you would start to feel just as bad as the abusive relationship I was stuck in. I practiced telling you in the mirror a few times, and each time would end differently. You always very politely rejected me, but how I'd respond to it differed. The last time, I bit down so hard on my hand, it felt like I popped a blood vessel. It was enough to make the wound bleed, and I had that stain in my carpet for a while. Even in my fantasy, I couldn't have you. I had neither of you, and it drove me away from you both. After that night sometime in 2019,I stopped talking to both of you, and I slowly tried to forget just how much of a coward I truly was. I knew none of it was either of your faults, and I knew in the end that my mistakes had driven away two of my favorite people.

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Sloan - COMMS OPEN @wretchedsloan.bsky.social · 25/09/2025

PART 2 - Happy Ending.

Between 2019 and 2022, I began taking HRT and became a very different person/personality. For better or for worse, I had become distracted with a lot of adulthood growing pains, which helped me forget about you both for a while.

When we reconnected three years later, I had started to get a twinge of those feelings from when I was a teenager. I saw that you were both still together, and I really wanted to get to know both of you like I never got to. I hadn't known what polyamory was when I was younger, so coming into it then with experience, I had hoped to actually tell you both my feelings and hope for the best. I thought maybe it would work out better being more mature.

But, it didn't take long for my life to crumble again. Two abusive relationships lost in one night, seven years of my life down the drain, I had hit rock bottom again.

My ex-girlfriend and I did get back together, spent another year in a crumbling relationship. Truth is, it could've never worked. I wasn't anything she wanted, nor was I anything she needed. I think maybe she just didn't know how to let go, was afraid of what would happen if she did. But, in the end, they found other people, including a happy new partner, and I was left in the wreckage. I wasn't man enough for my ex-fiance, I wasn't woman enough for my ex-girlfriend. I started to really question if there was truly any way to fix my dysphoria or if I just hated myself regardless of expression. I turned my back from the future, because I knew there wouldn't be any roses or sunshine where I was going. I wanted to wallow in the past before dying.

But, as you always had, you cakes back. My guardian angel.

I'd lost all hope after my ex left the way she did. Every night, like the last time I had lost everything in one day, I would be slashing my wrists until I was nauseous from blood loss and drinking sodas I knew would hurt my stomach just to feel pain. But, you both came back into my life, and this time you both supported me equally. I thought maybe I had died and been in some kind of personal heaven. But no, even when I thought I'd drive you away you both never gave up.

I'm still in a pretty rough place, and I've dealt with a lot of grief and sadness over these past weeks. But, despite that, I never feel hopeless anymore. I actually feel like things will be ok. I don't feel like I'm not man or woman enough when I'm with you both. When I think of how much I love you both, I just feel like Sloan being Sloan is good enough. And, suffice to say, it's good that Raz is Raz and Wyatt is Wyatt. I love you both more than I could ever say. Thank you.

(Old pictures of our conversations from 2016 to now.)

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