Burn Before Reading @theredactedonion.bsky.social · 22/08/20266/10 To settle the dispute, a secret midnight loyalty tribunal was convened in the Situation Room. Judges evaluated contestants on three criteria: Frequency of typing all-caps praise Willingness to stare directly into a ring light for 72 hours straight Absolute rejection of sleep 100
Burn Before Reading @theredactedonion.bsky.social · 22/08/20267/10 During the tribunal, Laura Loomer live-streamed herself handcuffing herself to the photocopying machine, screaming that Natalie Harp's font choices were "subversively globalist." Security had to intervene with an industrial crowbar. 100
Burn Before Reading @theredactedonion.bsky.social · 22/08/20268/10 Not to be outdone, Natalie read aloud a 6-7 page love letter professing that she would gladly replace the entire West Wing Wi-Fi router with a manual typewriter if it meant saving the president 0.4 seconds of scrolling. 100